What to Do if Someone Is a Victim of a Romance Scam

Bryan Denny is not looking for a relationship. The retired U.S. Army colonel is happily married. 

Yet, he has been on nearly every dating site in the U.S. and other countries . And hundreds, even thousands, of women have connected with him on Facebook and other social media sites. But it’s not actually Denny they have a relationship with. It’s scammers who stole his photos to strike up online romances then con victims into sending them money.

A friend of Kathy Waters’ mom was one of the many women who thought she was in a relationship with Denny. By the time Waters intervened, the woman had already given $35,000 to the scammer who was using Denny’s photos but going by the name Ross Newton.

What Waters and Denny have learned since that incident brought them together in 2016 and prompted them to create the organization Advocating Against Romance Scammers is that it can be incredibly difficult to break the spell of a romance scam. “You can’t convince some people they’re being scammed no matter what evidence you provide to the contrary,” Denny says.

That’s what makes romance scams so insidious. However, it doesn’t mean you should sit idly by as a friend or family member hands over their life savings to a con artist. If you suspect that someone you know is a victim of a romance scam, proceed with caution when trying to intervene. Knowing how to approach victims with compassion and what to say can increase your chances of success.

Understand how romance scams work

Romance scammers create fake online identities and reach out to potential victims through dating websites and social media. They use flattery to win victims’ affection then escalate the relationship quickly. Once scammers have gained their victims’ trust, they ask for money for a financial or medical crisis, to help pay for them to visit or to invest in cryptocurrency. 

Scammers often impersonate military service members, such as Denny, because they can find photos of them published online by the Department of Defense or other official sources. Denny says that a picture of someone in uniform also garners more respect and a level of trust. Plus, claiming to be stationed overseas provides an excellent excuse for not being able to meet in person. 

The scammers who have used a photo of Denny in uniform to create fake profiles on dating and social media sites have also pulled pictures of Denny and his son in a Boy Scouts of America uniform and the two of them with their horses from Denny’s Facebook account. “From those three photos, you can paint a picture of a guy who lost his wife, is deployed and has a son in boarding school,” Denny says. “In a matter of days or weeks, you’ve got somebody hooked.” 

Thousands of women have contacted Denny over the past several years, claiming that they had met online and sent money for him to purchase plane tickets to visit them, to help out his son or for a variety of other reasons. Some have even contacted his wife and threatened to hurt her if she didn’t leave Denny so that he could be with the women who believed they were in a relationship with him. “People are manipulated to a point where they do desperate things,” he says.

Signs that someone is a victim of a romance scam

If a friend or family member has a new love interest, ask questions to find out more about the person they are dating. 

• Has your friend met this new love interest in person? If the person is claiming to be overseas or making excuses not to meet or hop on a video call, it’s a red flag.
• Does the person seem too good to be true, or is your friend claiming to have met the perfect person who says all the right things?
• Does the relationship appear to be moving forward quickly?
• Has your friend’s new love interest asked for money?
• Has your friend become withdrawn or isolated after starting a new online relationship?
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If you suspect your friend’s love interest is a scammer, it can be challenging to break the emotional hold that the scammer has on your friend. “By the time you realize a loved one could be involved with a scammer, the manipulation web is already deeply established,” says Cathy Wilson, a licensed counselor and author of “The Emotional Impact of Being Scammed and How to Recover.”

How to intervene

When attempting to help someone recognize that they are a victim of a romance scam, do not criticize or blame them.  “Do not say anything remotely like, ‘This is a scam. How could you not see this?’” Wilson says. Instead, use these tactics.

Show care and compassion: Because romance scammers are so skilled at manipulating victims, victims believe that they are in a real relationship. “In fact, it is extremely emotionally painful to consider it may not be real,” Wilson says. “Let this part sink in, and consider how important it is to approach your loved one with care and compassion about this part.”

Ask gentle questions: Wilson recommends saying something like, “Since you haven’t met this person in real life yet, I’m sure you’ve considered it might be a romance scam. How are you doing with that? Are you worried?”  This approach helps you show that you are on your friend’s side, that you are giving them the benefit of the doubt that they have considered it is a scam, and that you are respecting their feelings and autonomy.

Cast doubt on the scammer’s story: When Waters saw a photo of the man her mom’s friend met online who was calling himself Ross Newton, she noticed the name on his uniform was Denny. She pointed this out to her mom’s friend, shared several fake accounts she discovered using Denny’s photos and even told her she had reached out to Denny and learned that his photos were being used by scammers. You can use a site such as SocialCatfish.com (for a fee of $6.87) to do a reverse image search and verify whether the identity of the person your friend met online is real. Advocating Against Romance Scammers also has a library of stolen images.

Get a third party involved: You might have more success helping your loved one cut off contact with a romance scammer if you reach out for support from local law enforcement, the local area agency on aging, your state attorney general’s office or a licensed counselor. 

Don’t give up: Presenting victims with evidence that the person they have an online relationship with could be a scammer doesn’t always work because they have an emotional attachment to the scammer. They don’t want to believe that their relationship has been a lie. “It takes a lot of love and a lot of patience [to help],” Denny says.

If you can’t get through to your loved one, don’t give up entirely. “Keep the door open,” Waters says. You don’t want your loved one to feel abandoned, putting them at even greater risk of manipulation by scammers.

If your loved one acknowledges the scam, help them gather evidence to report it to local law enforcement and the FBI’s Internet Crime Complaint Center. 

Then help them protect their finances from continued exploitation by encouraging them to change passwords for financial accounts, freeze their credit reports and set up comprehensive account, credit and identity monitoring with a service such as Carefull. Carefull includes the option for your loved one to name you as a trusted contact to receive alerts if it detects suspicious activity, including signs of a romance scam.

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